And I'm thinking, 'Picnic! Great! Sandwiches, cheese, maybe some of those little mini quiches...

I was thinking about relationships the other day. Specifically, the whole 'planning a date' thing. It's a minefield, people. A minefield of expectations and... well, sometimes, just plain confusion.

My girlfriend, bless her heart, she's a romantic. She'll say things like, 'Oh, honey, let's have a picnic!' And I'm thinking, 'Picnic! Great! Sandwiches, cheese, maybe some of those little mini quiches...' You know, the essentials. The sustenance. The food part of the picnic.

So, we go out, find this lovely spot, you know, under a big shady tree. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, very idyllic. And then she turns to me, with this look on her face, and she says, 'A picnic! But we didn't bring any food—what am I going to eat?'

And I'm just standing there, looking at her, looking at the empty picnic basket, looking at the trees, and I'm thinking, 'Uh, darling? You are the picnic!'

Seriously, though. I'm pretty sure she thought the concept of a picnic was the meal. Like, we're going to absorb nutrients through osmosis from the fresh air and the romantic ambiance. I'm picturing myself trying to explain to my stomach, 'Now, stomach, this is a conceptual sandwich. It's very nutritious for the soul.'

I've learned to just roll with it. The other day, she suggested we go 'glamping.' I said, 'Great! What do we need to pack?' She said, 'Just your sense of adventure!' I said, 'And some bug spray, right? And maybe a tent, just in case the 'glam' part is more aspirational than actual?' She gave me that look. You know the one. The 'why are you so practical?' look.

I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm in a relationship with a very beautiful, very well-dressed abstract painting. And my job is to admire it and occasionally try to feed it.

But hey, at least she's never boring. You never know what's going to happen. Last week, she decided we should have a 'spa day' at home. I was ready for some cucumber water and maybe a nice face mask. She shows up with a bucket of mud and says, 'This is your exfoliant!' I'm thinking, 'Honey, I'm pretty sure the last time I was covered in mud, I was trying to dig myself out of a hole I'd dug myself into.'

So yeah, relationships. They're a journey. Sometimes a very hungry journey.